I've been working the Addo program. I've been learning, or tapping in to, new knowledge, new emotions and new realizations.
We recently discussed safety, or rather, feeling safe. Namely, setting boundaries in order to feel safe, sustain our safety and preserve our safety.
I found that as I studied the information presented that I was left feeling disconnected from what was being taught. I couldn't grasp the idea of feeling safe.
What does that look like?
This illusive safety
What does it feel like?
This unreachable sanctuary
And then something hit me...
I have no memory of ever feeling safe.
Ever.
I'm not talking physically safe. I feel physically safe 99% of the time.
...and
I'm not talking sexually safe. I feel sexually safe the majority of the time, I think.
...no
I'm talking emotionally safe.
I have touched emotional safety, with certain people, but it's been fleeting glimpses of something that always leaves; because they always leave.
All this has brought me to realize that I don't trust or feel safe with my husband. At all. I can't even muster the desire or willingness to talk to him about these very feelings I am expressing here.
I have had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach for a while. A consistent sick feeling. I have no idea why. I have no evidence of anything. He tells me all is well, but yet, I still feel ill... as if something is just off.
But what is worse, is I have come to realize that I don't trust myself. My gut intuition and red flag bells are going off like crazy but I can't manage to bring myself to trust them.
I tell myself:
It's false
It's not real
There is no monster in the darkness
The snapping twigs you hear are just small harmless animals
The howling is just the wind
You are overreacting
There is nothing there
Nothing...
Even though every hair on the back of my neck is standing on end, my vision is clear and my hearing acute... I am hyper-focused on all of my surroundings and I feel something is wrong.
I cannot believe it.
Why?
I HATE THIS.
I met with my counselor yesterday and we spoke of safety... or, the illusive safety. And a thought came to mind.
I am so unhappy right now that I am simply surviving to die. I cannot wait to die. I want to go home. I do not want to be here anymore. I see no light at the end of this tunnel of life and I just want to be home with Father, home with those that will not hurt me, those that I can trust and those that I feel safe with.
Glad you're not hiding. Get it out there and take comfort in knowing how mindful of you the Lord is. And like my counselor helped me to realize, often times our 'gut' instinct is the spirit, or the light of Christ. Listen to it/Him.
ReplyDeleteLove you tons lady :)
Survival mode is so hard. I'm so sorry things are so hard right now.
ReplyDeleteTrust your gut, if for no other reason than to simply try to be a safe place for yourself to take a step back and nurture yourself. You don't have to have an external reason to do that. It's enough to say that you are weary and need to care for your weary soul.
I agree with Anonymous.
ReplyDeleteI also think you are a very perceptive person; just the fact that you can recognize your Surviving to Die tactic is eye-opening. Hopefully another reason to live will come back into your life again....and soon! Love ya
Um... Amen to the above? It is not uncommon for wives of sex addicts to feel that they are never safe because they cannot even trust themselves. If you can't trust yourself then who can you trust to keep you safe? Hmm... Methinks there is only one. However, your relationship with that One has been damaged through the years and has been kept at a distance. You know just as well as I that it is ONLY in His loving arms that you will feel safe and safety. When I was attending a trauma group there was something in our reading or discussion about how attending the temple was like an FHE with our Heavenly Father. There was a reading talking about how the temple could be the only place where a trauma survivor could truly feel safe. It was at that moment that I realized that really was why I like attending the temple. Sitting in there made me feel like I was curled up on the comfiest couch ever- and that THAT was what safety felt like.
ReplyDeleteCan I just say that if it wasn't for your video on LDS.org Addiction Recovery, I would not be in counseling for my own addiction to mb. (Not porn, just mb). I connected with your story and thought "this is me" ... I have to thank you for that and hope that you remember that despite your current outlook, you ARE and inspiration to countless anonymous LDS women out there. I'm one of them! Thank you ... and stay strong. We'll pray for you.
ReplyDeleteI just came across your blog on a friends fb and I want you to know that you are not alone. I couldnt have explained the feeling of surviving to die as perfectly as you did. I feel that every day. I got pregnant with my second girl right when I had decided I had enough and would rather get a divorce than go through the lies and hurt any more. Now she is a month old and my husband is doing so much better (for now) but my feelings for him are gone. I had resigned myself to being done and now I can't seem to reverse it. Sorry to talk so much about myself on your post, but you spoke so clearly to my heart. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou are totally fine! Thanks for reaching out. I'm happy to report that I don't feel this way anymore. That's not to say I won't again feel this way, but for now, I'm in a much better place. If you'd like to reach out to me personally, I have many resources and a wealth of a support system that I can connect you to - just email me at bythelightofgrace (at) gmail (dot) com:-) Hang in there!
Delete