Just Give Me a Reason

I dedicated this to my husband today.  We are not broken, neither of us are - we are just bent.

Haircut Wisdom

I was cutting my sons hair earlier.  Well, I was buzzing his hair. At one point I needed him to put his head all the way down so I could shave his neck.  He was struggling to drop his head all the way down though.  I had been holding his head with my hand to direct where I needed it to be and was gently pushing his chin toward his chest as I asked him again, more sternly, to please put his head down.  But I was still met with resistance.  I was confused.  

Then something odd happened...

I let go.

I let go and his chin dropped to his chest. 

Immediately a wave of recognition washed over me.  I realized that my hand on his head, my controlling grasp on him was drawing so much of his attention that he wasn't able to focus on the task at hand.  It wasn't until I removed the pressure that he was able to drop his head.  Even though I was pushing his head toward his chest his natural instinct was to resist that which was attempting to force his will.

Such is with my husband.  For him to truly see the Lord, feel the Lord, rely on the Lord, trust the Lord and make the Lord number 1, I have to let go.  I have to step out of the way and provide him space to discover and nurture that relationship.

It's becoming clearer.

I'm Blank

I'm struggling.

I found out this morning that my husband has pretty much been acting out for the past six months.

I AM BLIND!

I hear the term 'rescuing' tossed around a lot.  I understand the concept - I think.  I have no plans to rescue him.  I can't.  How can I?

So I plan on being hands off.  But I'm scared.  Is not rescuing and being hands off going to give him permission to keep acting out?  How do I create boundaries for that without being bossy and fixy?

I don't know what to do.

He is active in the program.  He goes to group every week.  We talk about what we learn at group.

I have asked him probably 4 times point blank over the last six months how sober he is and each time he whips out a number that is consistent with the last time he got caught.

I don't know how to process that.

I'm so numb right now I can't even muster tears, anger, frustration... nothing.

I'm blank.