One thing I have always struggled with is control. Actually, let me rephrase that. I am a master at control. It it
surrendering control that I struggle with.
A picture came to my mind recently, though, of what control looks like to the person I may be attempting to control. It fits right along with my
haircut post.
I actually experimented the scenario on multiple women this past weekend at
The Togetherness Project.
I took the role of the desperate wife that wants her addicted loved one to work recovery while the other woman played the part of the addicted loved one.
I asked each of them to imagine I was trying to get them to physically go to a recovery group meeting. I then grabbed their sleeve and physically began pulling them toward the place I wanted them to go.
As their brows began to furrow I asked them what had stolen their attention.
Each woman responded the
same.
Their attention had been captured by the strong tug on their shirt. Their focus had been stolen by the pressure and control I was striving to exert over them and by
my will trying to control
their will.
It didn't matter that what I so desperately wanted them to do or move toward was
good and
healthy - my grip had
completely stolen their attention so that they were no longer
able to concentrate on where I was trying to get them to go.
The moral of the story?
If we are trying to control our addicted loved one's behavior, we are robbing them of their
agency to
choose recovery for themselves. Their sole goal becomes pleasing
us rather than seeking that which will help
them heal. In their minds, their success becomes hinged on contributing to
our happiness.
We, in essence, get in the way of their relationship with the Lord.
We get in the way of the necessary bumps and bruises that help strengthen their resolve.
We get in the way of the necessary consequences that enable them to grow.
We must remember that our loved one's are God's children too, and just because
we detach does not mean that the
Lord will detach.
He won't. The Lord
never detaches.
It is
we that detach from Him. If we are exerting our control over our loved one's it disallows them from reestablishing that personal relationship with the Lord necessary for healing.
On the flip side, if our focus is on our addicted loved ones, it is
not on the Lord.
None of us can serve two masters.
