One thing I have always struggled with is control. Actually, let me rephrase that. I am a master at control. It it surrendering control that I struggle with.
A picture came to my mind recently, though, of what control looks like to the person I may be attempting to control. It fits right along with my haircut post.
I actually experimented the scenario on multiple women this past weekend at The Togetherness Project.
I took the role of the desperate wife that wants her addicted loved one to work recovery while the other woman played the part of the addicted loved one.
I asked each of them to imagine I was trying to get them to physically go to a recovery group meeting. I then grabbed their sleeve and physically began pulling them toward the place I wanted them to go.
As their brows began to furrow I asked them what had stolen their attention.
Each woman responded the same.
Their attention had been captured by the strong tug on their shirt. Their focus had been stolen by the pressure and control I was striving to exert over them and by my will trying to control their will.
It didn't matter that what I so desperately wanted them to do or move toward was good and healthy - my grip had completely stolen their attention so that they were no longer able to concentrate on where I was trying to get them to go.
The moral of the story?
If we are trying to control our addicted loved one's behavior, we are robbing them of their agency to choose recovery for themselves. Their sole goal becomes pleasing us rather than seeking that which will help them heal. In their minds, their success becomes hinged on contributing to our happiness.
We, in essence, get in the way of their relationship with the Lord.
We get in the way of the necessary bumps and bruises that help strengthen their resolve.
We get in the way of the necessary consequences that enable them to grow.
We must remember that our loved one's are God's children too, and just because we detach does not mean that the Lord will detach.
He won't. The Lord never detaches.
It is we that detach from Him. If we are exerting our control over our loved one's it disallows them from reestablishing that personal relationship with the Lord necessary for healing.
On the flip side, if our focus is on our addicted loved ones, it is not on the Lord.
None of us can serve two masters.
Loved this! You should codependent-side-of-things blog more often :-)
ReplyDeleteRIght? I really should. I had been contemplating deleting this blog but I read back over it and have decided not to. I have journaled too many experienced and lessons to delete it. And so I'm going to strive to be more active on it. Thanks!
DeleteI really like this. This was a huge break through for me in my own recovery. It wasn't something I ah-ha'd on one day... it was something I read over and over but didn't understand and then when I finally understood it I had to apply it. It took so much practice, but the practice helped it sink in. And the huge surprise at that point was how FREE I felt. I didn't want to let go of control because I felt like if I did, I would go insane. I didn't realize I was trapped by my own control issues. And now I've tasted freedom. It's still a process for me. You put it so wonderfully.
ReplyDeleteIt's so cool how the Lord teaches us in the way that benefits us most. For me, I learned it in a huge ah-ha moment.. but then there are other things that I've had to learn through blood sweat and tears. Thanks Alicia!
DeleteThis is great and so true! I've noticed that I am much more aware of my co-dependent behavior now then I was before. Perhaps, because I've studied so much about it. I like the role play idea. I am thinking of trying it for a family night.
ReplyDeleteOhhh that's a great idea!! I might too!
DeleteI love this! Too true... thanks for sharing! I agree with Hilary, you should write here more often :D
ReplyDeleteLol ok ok... I will! :-)
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