Improvements

So I'm happy to report that hubby and I had a bit of a break through yesterday.

I was in such a state of turmoil that I didn't even want to talk to him.  I was really defensive and closed off.  But I remembered how well we'd been doing the week before and as impossible as it seemed to get there I longed for that closeness again.

We were sitting on the bed and I blurted out:

We are really struggling right now.

Hubby:

What do you mean?

Me:

We are bickering all the time and distant.  

Hubby paused

Me:

I'm not looking for this to be fixed right now, I just wanted to acknowledge it by stating it.

Hubby:

Well you tend to pull away when you are struggling.  I do understand that but it's still you pulling away so it's hard to deal with sometimes. 

I remained silent while sitting there absorbing the "it's all your fault" comment...

Hubby:

Do you have any thoughts?

Me (calmly and slowly):

I think it would benefit if you tried to find some accountability somewhere in this.

Hubby, paused, then said:

OK, well what do you think?  How am I accountable?

Me (striving to not blame):

I don't know.  I'm striving to work on my own accountability.  I'm not focused on yours.

And that was it!  He went on to touch on some things he could improve on which was nice, but really, it's not what I was looking for.  I was simply looking to acknowledge the door out of that dark place.  And I feel like we both opened it.  No judgement.  No blame.  Just acknowledging that we weren't OK.

And that made things that much more OK...