Mother Earth

We were recently challenged by Dr. Skinner at Addo Recovery to walk barefoot in the grass.  He said it to be therapeutic and healing.  

I do love walking barefoot in the grass but I find myself lacking the time to do so.  I am surrounded by perpetual homework, dishes, laundry, work, dirty diapers and any other everyday fiasco that happens to manifest itself.

But yesterday was different.  I got home from work and my little 3 year old greeted me outside.  He asked me if he could ride his "big bike" that he recently received for his birthday.  Normally I'd be in a rush.  A rush to get inside and get the house clean or more likely just to sit and veg after a long day.  But instead, I decided that it was a great idea to let him ride his bike.  An even better idea was to relax in my lounge chair, take my shoes off and let my feet rest in the cool grass.

And that I did....

I sat silently with the creak of the pedals in the background while I concentrated on connecting with the earth.  

Mother Earth 

Beautiful mother Earth 

Who has sacrificed herself to horrible torture and destruction

...so that

We can have a firm and solid place to work our way back to Father  

She is living  

She willingly submits because she loves us 

...but more so 

Because she loves Father  

She is perfect in her faith and humility 

....as 

She willingly submits to whatever God asks of her  

She will have her redemption  

She will be cleansed and take her rightful place next to Kolob

...because 

She knows her purpose,

Her worth 

...and 

Her value  

She doesn't resist 

but stands steadfast 

....and 

Still  

I am full of gratitude for her, and feel privileged to be gravitated to her, to touch her, walk on her and partake of her beauty.  

I am committed to walk barefoot more often, to be closer to her, for in doing so, I am closer to God.

Surviving to Die

I've been working the Addo program.  I've been learning, or tapping in to, new knowledge, new emotions and new realizations.

We recently discussed safety, or rather, feeling safe.  Namely, setting boundaries in order to feel safe, sustain our safety and preserve our safety.

I found that as I studied the information presented that I was left feeling disconnected from what was being taught.  I couldn't grasp the idea of feeling safe.

What does that look like?
This illusive safety
What does it feel like?
This unreachable sanctuary

And then something hit me...

I have no memory of ever feeling safe.

Ever.

I'm not talking physically safe.  I feel physically safe 99% of the time.
...and
I'm not talking sexually safe.  I feel sexually safe the majority of the time, I think.
...no
I'm talking emotionally safe.

I have touched emotional safety, with certain people, but it's been fleeting glimpses of something that always leaves; because they always leave.

All this has brought me to realize that I don't trust or feel safe with my husband.  At all.  I can't even muster the desire or willingness to talk to him about these very feelings I am expressing here.

I have had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach for a while.  A consistent sick feeling.  I have no idea why.  I have no evidence of anything.  He tells me all is well, but yet, I still feel ill... as if something is just off.

But what is worse, is I have come to realize that I don't trust myself.  My gut intuition and red flag bells are going off like crazy but I can't manage to bring myself to trust them.

I tell myself:
It's false
It's not real
There is no monster in the darkness
The snapping twigs you hear are just small harmless animals
The howling is just the wind
You are overreacting
There is nothing there
Nothing...

Even though every hair on the back of my neck is standing on end, my vision is clear and my hearing acute... I am hyper-focused on all of my surroundings and I feel something is wrong.

I cannot believe it.

Why?

I HATE THIS.

I met with my counselor yesterday and we spoke of safety... or, the illusive safety.  And a thought came to mind.

I am so unhappy right now that I am simply surviving to die.  I cannot wait to die.  I want to go home.  I do not want to be here anymore.  I see no light at the end of this tunnel of life and I just want to be home with Father, home with those that will not hurt me, those that I can trust and those that I feel safe with.

The Codependent Prayer Challenge

Introducing....

The 'Codependent Prayer' Challenge!
(If you choose to accept it)

We all have one right?  That prayer of all prayers where we express our deep seeded desire for God to fix our husbands so we can be happy.  That prayer that begs God to put up roadblocks, blur temptations, erase thoughts and pretty much play master puppeteer for our husband's life.

That prayer that begs God to remove his agency...
...so we can have some sense of control.

Here's mine:

(What's yours? Blog it!)

Dear Heavenly Father,

I need you to help my husband
He spends soooo much time on the computer
It really bothers me
Can you instill in him the desire to spend more time with his family?
I'm afraid that he's going to be tempted by something when he's on there
Can you please make him not be tempted?
Or
If he is
Can you please somehow make the computer not work?
Like, nothing big, but, just like make the power cord pop out right when he gets tempted
Because
He could take that as a sign
Maybe you could even impress strongly on his mind the words

"THIS.IS.A.SIGN"

Right when the power cord pops out
I really wish he would focus more on recovery
I need him to work recovery so that I won't have to continually check his history
If he wasn't tempted I wouldn't have to check it
It drives me crazy that I have to do that
I wish he'd see the Bishop more too
Can you please whisper to the Bishop to call him in?
I know the Bishop listens to you
I really think that if he sees the Bishop regularly that he'll be better
... that he won't act out anymore or mess up anymore
Oh and while your at it...
... can you tell me what else I need to do to fix him?
I already...
...monitor all his accounts
...check his pockets when I do laundry
...GPS track him on the "Find Friends" app to see where he is
but not that often
...maybe only like 10 times a day.
...I secretly log into his email account and check his received, sent, spam, deleted and pretty  much every box on there
....actually, I have his email address as an account on my phone.
He doesn't know though so it's OK.
I mean...
...it only matters that he keeps secrets from me, not that I keep secrets from him.
Oh, and I also secretly check his phone when he's sleeping.
But that's just to make sure he hasn't accessed any bad sites or text another woman.
... so far I haven't found anything
But I just know I will so I keep doing it
... it's for his own good.
Please Heavenly Father..
Make him be good. I can only be happy if he's good.
And
I know you want me to be happy.
So you'll do this for me ...
Right?

I love you,

Amen.