Surviving to Die

I've been working the Addo program.  I've been learning, or tapping in to, new knowledge, new emotions and new realizations.

We recently discussed safety, or rather, feeling safe.  Namely, setting boundaries in order to feel safe, sustain our safety and preserve our safety.

I found that as I studied the information presented that I was left feeling disconnected from what was being taught.  I couldn't grasp the idea of feeling safe.

What does that look like?
This illusive safety
What does it feel like?
This unreachable sanctuary

And then something hit me...

I have no memory of ever feeling safe.

Ever.

I'm not talking physically safe.  I feel physically safe 99% of the time.
...and
I'm not talking sexually safe.  I feel sexually safe the majority of the time, I think.
...no
I'm talking emotionally safe.

I have touched emotional safety, with certain people, but it's been fleeting glimpses of something that always leaves; because they always leave.

All this has brought me to realize that I don't trust or feel safe with my husband.  At all.  I can't even muster the desire or willingness to talk to him about these very feelings I am expressing here.

I have had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach for a while.  A consistent sick feeling.  I have no idea why.  I have no evidence of anything.  He tells me all is well, but yet, I still feel ill... as if something is just off.

But what is worse, is I have come to realize that I don't trust myself.  My gut intuition and red flag bells are going off like crazy but I can't manage to bring myself to trust them.

I tell myself:
It's false
It's not real
There is no monster in the darkness
The snapping twigs you hear are just small harmless animals
The howling is just the wind
You are overreacting
There is nothing there
Nothing...

Even though every hair on the back of my neck is standing on end, my vision is clear and my hearing acute... I am hyper-focused on all of my surroundings and I feel something is wrong.

I cannot believe it.

Why?

I HATE THIS.

I met with my counselor yesterday and we spoke of safety... or, the illusive safety.  And a thought came to mind.

I am so unhappy right now that I am simply surviving to die.  I cannot wait to die.  I want to go home.  I do not want to be here anymore.  I see no light at the end of this tunnel of life and I just want to be home with Father, home with those that will not hurt me, those that I can trust and those that I feel safe with.

The Codependent Prayer Challenge

Introducing....

The 'Codependent Prayer' Challenge!
(If you choose to accept it)

We all have one right?  That prayer of all prayers where we express our deep seeded desire for God to fix our husbands so we can be happy.  That prayer that begs God to put up roadblocks, blur temptations, erase thoughts and pretty much play master puppeteer for our husband's life.

That prayer that begs God to remove his agency...
...so we can have some sense of control.

Here's mine:

(What's yours? Blog it!)

Dear Heavenly Father,

I need you to help my husband
He spends soooo much time on the computer
It really bothers me
Can you instill in him the desire to spend more time with his family?
I'm afraid that he's going to be tempted by something when he's on there
Can you please make him not be tempted?
Or
If he is
Can you please somehow make the computer not work?
Like, nothing big, but, just like make the power cord pop out right when he gets tempted
Because
He could take that as a sign
Maybe you could even impress strongly on his mind the words

"THIS.IS.A.SIGN"

Right when the power cord pops out
I really wish he would focus more on recovery
I need him to work recovery so that I won't have to continually check his history
If he wasn't tempted I wouldn't have to check it
It drives me crazy that I have to do that
I wish he'd see the Bishop more too
Can you please whisper to the Bishop to call him in?
I know the Bishop listens to you
I really think that if he sees the Bishop regularly that he'll be better
... that he won't act out anymore or mess up anymore
Oh and while your at it...
... can you tell me what else I need to do to fix him?
I already...
...monitor all his accounts
...check his pockets when I do laundry
...GPS track him on the "Find Friends" app to see where he is
but not that often
...maybe only like 10 times a day.
...I secretly log into his email account and check his received, sent, spam, deleted and pretty  much every box on there
....actually, I have his email address as an account on my phone.
He doesn't know though so it's OK.
I mean...
...it only matters that he keeps secrets from me, not that I keep secrets from him.
Oh, and I also secretly check his phone when he's sleeping.
But that's just to make sure he hasn't accessed any bad sites or text another woman.
... so far I haven't found anything
But I just know I will so I keep doing it
... it's for his own good.
Please Heavenly Father..
Make him be good. I can only be happy if he's good.
And
I know you want me to be happy.
So you'll do this for me ...
Right?

I love you,

Amen.

Birds, Lies and Triggers

Yesterday we went out as a family and bought two cute parakeets.  We live in a rented townhouse and aren't able to own a dog or cat and a friend offered to give us a bird cage so we went with the birds.  We named the blue/green/yellow one Kevin, after the bird in the movie Up, and we named the solid blue one Dori, after the blue fish in Finding Nemo.

We are happy to have them in our family but at the same time we are a bit nervous.  Tim and I have both grown up with animals but unfortunately our own children haven't.  We were a bit concerned that they wouldn't respect the birds but decided we needed to start somewhere and give them the opportunity to learn about respecting animals.

Sure enough though, a spat erupted this morning where my 13 year old accused  my 9 year old of throwing bird seed at the birds.  My 9 year old responded that yes, he had, but my 13 year old was also doing it.  My 13 year old adamantly denied it.

I didn't know who to believe.  I sent them both to their room and told them to figure it out.  Still neither came clean.  My 13 year old seemed more believable... "I love the birds, I would never hurt them"... whereas my 9 year old seemed smug "dude, just admit it" with a big grin on his face.

Admittedly, I took a side.  I believed my 13 year old and punished my 9 year old.  I even let my 13 year old go on an outing for 5 hours with some friends while my 9 year old got sequestered to his room and ended up crying himself to sleep.

Later that day, the issue again arose and still, neither would fess up.  My husband seemed to smell the lie though and eventually it came out that my 13 year old had been lying the entire time.  Immediately I was hit with the most intense sickening feeling..

The people in my world that I love the most are the people in my world that I trust the least.  

I can't stand it.  I hate it.  And I don't know how to fix it. 

The Bravest Man I Know

My husband recently started his own blog and today he trusted, stretched and relied on more faith than he ever has in his life.  I am truly blessed to not only know such a valiant Spirit but extremely lucky to be married to him.

Please take a moment to read his post...  we are in this together and I am so happy to now have him at my side, fighting together, working together, loving the Savior together and spreading hope together.

I am truly blessed...

Much Love,

Sidreis

(click the link below)

"For There Is Nothing Hid Which Shall Not Be Manifested"

Just Give Me a Reason

I dedicated this to my husband today.  We are not broken, neither of us are - we are just bent.

Haircut Wisdom

I was cutting my sons hair earlier.  Well, I was buzzing his hair. At one point I needed him to put his head all the way down so I could shave his neck.  He was struggling to drop his head all the way down though.  I had been holding his head with my hand to direct where I needed it to be and was gently pushing his chin toward his chest as I asked him again, more sternly, to please put his head down.  But I was still met with resistance.  I was confused.  

Then something odd happened...

I let go.

I let go and his chin dropped to his chest. 

Immediately a wave of recognition washed over me.  I realized that my hand on his head, my controlling grasp on him was drawing so much of his attention that he wasn't able to focus on the task at hand.  It wasn't until I removed the pressure that he was able to drop his head.  Even though I was pushing his head toward his chest his natural instinct was to resist that which was attempting to force his will.

Such is with my husband.  For him to truly see the Lord, feel the Lord, rely on the Lord, trust the Lord and make the Lord number 1, I have to let go.  I have to step out of the way and provide him space to discover and nurture that relationship.

It's becoming clearer.

I'm Blank

I'm struggling.

I found out this morning that my husband has pretty much been acting out for the past six months.

I AM BLIND!

I hear the term 'rescuing' tossed around a lot.  I understand the concept - I think.  I have no plans to rescue him.  I can't.  How can I?

So I plan on being hands off.  But I'm scared.  Is not rescuing and being hands off going to give him permission to keep acting out?  How do I create boundaries for that without being bossy and fixy?

I don't know what to do.

He is active in the program.  He goes to group every week.  We talk about what we learn at group.

I have asked him probably 4 times point blank over the last six months how sober he is and each time he whips out a number that is consistent with the last time he got caught.

I don't know how to process that.

I'm so numb right now I can't even muster tears, anger, frustration... nothing.

I'm blank.