Sometimes I just Don't Want to Be Touched

I'm having a hard time right now.

OK let me back up a bit first.  I have the gift of being able to read people's energy, or a better understood description of this is the gift of discernment.  I can read people's energy when they walk in a room.  I can tell how they are feeling, and often times I can actually feel it.  Empathy seemingly arises within me out of no where.  It's awesome actually.

Most of the time it's a blessing for it helps me understand others and their needs.  Less guessing.  But sometimes it sends me into throws of fear and isolation.

You see, I can tell when my husband is having a hard time with his addiction.  It seems to reek off his skin.  His energy changes and his behavior changes.  As of late, he has his hands all over me, seemingly ALL the time.  He can't sit next to me or stand next to me without his hands on me.  Not only are his hands on me but they seem to always want to be under my clothes (not groping body parts necessarily) relentlessly searching for bare skin.  I can't stand to be around him when he is like this.

He told me once that he feels it's my duty as his wife to allow him to touch me.  I don't agree with this at all.  When things are going well, and we are both working our programs and close to the Spirit, I'm much more willing, accepting and inviting of being close with him.  But when he is focusing on his own wants it causes me to recoil.

This stems from deeper things too.  I don't trust him at all really around me when he gets like this.  He has gone pretty far in the past - so far in fact that I sought out rape crisis help.  So when he gets like this, I emotionally curl up in a fetal position and just want the wind to blow me away.

I snapped at him tonight.  I let him touch me (just have his hand on me: my leg, my arm, my back) for quite a while hoping he would get his fix and I could spend the rest of the night touch free... but of course the fix is never enough is it?  I finally picked up his hand from my arm (again) and moved it over to his side of the bed.  He defiantly responded "How come you don't want me to touch you anymore?" in which I responded "How come you always have to?"  He rolled over and went to sleep.  Part of my heart ached at my words but the relief outweighed the guilt.

Yes - I recognize a total lack of communication here... I haven't exactly been forthcoming with my thoughts about him or my own feelings.  I keep hoping upon hoping that he'll finally just "get it."

:::: sigh ::::

I hate this.

My Husband the Fish

Today I was reminded of a quote by Albert Einstein that I really love:

Everyone is a genius.  But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

I love this quote because it really reminds me not to be judgmental of my husband's recovery progress.  He and I have completely different strengths and virtues.  At times I tend to compare his weaknesses to my strengths and unfairly expect him to mirror my own progress.  And while I do this I completely ignore comparing my weaknesses to his strengths, heck, I just pretty much ignore that he even has strengths.

It is important for me to recognize his strengths and virtues.  One thing I have done to help me is I compiled a 'Christ-like Attribute Inventory' of my husband.  By physically listing out my husband's Christ-like attributes it helps me see in undeniable black and white that he is a good person, he does have value and he does have a lot to offer.  It helps me focus on his goodness rather than letting negativity eat me alive.

It reminds me that my husband does not unfairly judge monkeys on their ability to swim upstream as I have so many times judged fish on their ability to climb trees.

If Only...

I attended our monthly Addiction Recovery Program fireside for our mission this past Sunday evening.  One speaker, the spouse of a drug addict and alcoholic, talked about her list of "If Only's" that her happiness had been dependent upon for so long.  This really made me stop and think about my "If Only's" for my husband that I had created in order to 'make' me happy.

I thought it would be therapeutic for me to list them here, sort of like a sacrificial offering.  If I list them for everyone to see, I'm bringing them out in the light and exposing them so they can't fester within me anymore.

So here is the list of past and present "If Only's" I've felt about my husband and his addiction, in no particular order:

If only...

• He would be a more patient father
• He would spend more time with me
• He wouldn't spend so much time on the computer
• He would read his scriptures
• He would attend the Temple
• He be able to know what I am thinking
• He were more in tune with my needs/feelings
• He wasn't such an extreme disciplinarian
• He made enough money so I didn't have to work
• He didn't hurt me
• I was enough for him
• I were sexier, thinner, younger
• He didn't treat me like an object
• He wasn't so controlling
• I had red hair
• He loved me more than his addiction
• He would be honest
• He would control his desires
• He wasn't so lazy
• He would fix his problem

...then I would be happy.

Having a good portion of recovery under my belt now I have learned that this is a pattern of destructive thinking.  If I truly want to be happy then my list will look more like this:

If only...

• I didn't point fingers at my husband
• I didn't feel like I was better than my husband
• I didn't act self righteous toward my husband
• I focused on my own recovery instead of detailing what my husband is/is not doing
• I trusted my Savior
• I followed the promptings of the Spirit rather than throwing up walls
• I counseled with my Bishop and sponsor rather than all of my friends
• I educated myself about addiction
• I saw him as my Savior sees him
• I didn't fear the truth, but embraced it
• I loved instead of hated
• I expressed instead of bottled
• Didn't sit in my own mud
• Didn't sling my own mud
• I acknowledged his value
• I took the next step
• I didn't jump to conclusions
• I didn't rationalize my justifications
• I saw my husbands struggles as an opportunity for me to practice refining my own virtues
• I faced God and asked Him "What would you have me do?'
• I worked to identify and fix my problems

... then, and only then, will I truly be happy.

Setting Boundaries, Book of Mormon Style

I was reading in my scriptures last night and something popped out to me that I wanted to share.  Mormon had to practice setting boundaries too.  He surrendered his people to the will of the Lord and watched as the Lord destroyed them because of their wickedness.  Not only did he have to watch, but he was asked to document it:

Mormon 3:9-16 
9 And now, because of this great thing which my people, the Nephites, had done, they began to boast in their own strength, and began to swear before the heavens that they would avenge themselves of the blood of their brethren who had been slain by their enemies.

10 And they did swear by the heavens, and also by the throne of God, that they would go up to battle against their enemies, and would cut them off from the face of the land.

11 And it came to pass that I, Mormon, did utterly refuse from this time forth to be a commander and a leader of this people, because of their wickedness and abomination.

12 Behold, I had led them, notwithstanding their wickedness I had led them many times to battle, and had loved them, according to the love of God which was in me, with all my heart; and my soul had been poured out in prayer unto my God all the day long for them; nevertheless, it was without faith, because of the hardness of their hearts.

13 And thrice have I delivered them out of the hands of their enemies, and they have repented not of their sins. 

14 And when they had sworn by all that had been forbidden them by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, that they would go up unto their enemies to battle, and avenge themselves of the blood of their brethren, behold the voice of the Lord came unto me, saying:

15 Vengeance is mine, and I will repay; and because this people repented not after I had delivered them, behold, they shall be cut off from the face of the earth.

16 And it came to pass that I utterly refused to go up against mine enemies; and I did even as the Lord had commanded me; and I did stand as an idle witness to manifest unto the world the things which I saw and heard, according to the manifestations of the Spirit which had testified of things to come.

My heart aches for Mormon here.  He loves his people, they are his family.  Yet, even through his kindness, patience and forgiveness they are still rebellious against God.  Mormon finally had to say 'enough!'  Don't we have to do this with people in our lives that hurt us or cause us harm?  Sometimes we really do have to set a boundary to protect ourselves and simply say enough is enough.  

The most important lesson in this entire passage I think is the very last line that I've bold highlighted, "and I did even as the Lord had commanded me."  It is the Lord that told Mormon it was enough.  It's important for all of us when we set boundaries with our loved ones to filter those boundaries through the Lord.  By doing so we can always be confidant that we are secure for we have been obedient to the counsel of our Father.  If we are not obedient, we will become bound by the same pride and rebellion as the Nephites as: "they had sworn...that they would go up unto their enemies to battle, and avenge themselves."  

The Lord answers "vengeance is mine."  And good thing.  Because vengeance eats me alive.  It consumes me with hate and anger and I am in no place to handle that and stay focused on my Savior at the same time.  I gladly give that job to God.

I Wanted to Change the World

When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world.  I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation.  When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family. 

Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.

Written on the tombstone of an unknown monk - 1100 A.D. 

LoveOfMyLife

My husband and I both have cell phones.  For many years I had him listed in my contacts under a nickname that started with three A's so he would always be #1 in my phone.  A little over two years ago when we switched to iPhones I realized I didn't really need to have him at the top of my contact list anymore because he was constantly at the top of my text list as well as in my recent calls list.  So I wanted to change his name to a different nickname.

But I had a hard time deciding what to name him...

During this time my husband and I didn't have the best relationship.  We both were struggling to find our place in our addiction recovery programs and we were both stuck in prideful individual isolation.  I'm not sure what exactly was keeping him stuck as I can't read his mind but I know I was stuck because I was busy longing after the greener grass on the other side.  I wanted a ready made husband that was attentive, un-addicted, worthy, social, perfect in his callings and many other items that I'd added to the list.  Of course I wanted all this but I was not willing to consider that there were aspects of me that I needed to change and I wasn't willing to nurture the attributes in my husband that I wanted to grow.  I simply wanted perfection immediately.

My dilemma in choosing a nickname stemmed from struggling to find anything positive to name him.  As I stared at my phone with the qwerty keyboard display up a thought came to me and the following internal conversation took place:

"Name him 'LoveOfMyLife'"
Say wha'?
"Name him 'LoveOfMyLife'"
But he's not the love of my life.  We can hardly stand each other right now.
"If you name him 'LoveOfMyLife' your love for him will grow"

At that moment I felt the Spirit calm my heart and confirm to me that this simple act of naming my husband 'LoveOfMyLife' would help nourish and strengthen our relationship.  This simple act of obedience would help me grow to love him more because I would constantly be making the connection between my husband and the words 'LoveOfMyLife.'

Recently, my 13 year old son saw me texting my husband and asked:

"Why do you call him 'LoveOfMyLife?"
I answered truthfully as my eyes filled with emotion...
"Because he is...."

Trusting the Spirit

I had a really amazing tender mercy happen the other day regarding my husband and I wanted to share it here.  In my first blog post I expressed concern because my husband hasn't been attending the Temple and that was worrisome for me.

But Heavenly Father recently blessed me with a confirmation that squelched my fears on this issue.  I don't really remember what the conversation was that led to my husband telling me this - but at the end of the conversation he told me that he has a Book of Mormon at work, a real one.  Not on his iPhone or online, but a real live Book of Mormon, I know they are rare these days.  He told me he reads it every morning.

I know this revelation doesn't seem like anything big - but it was the Spirit of Truth associated with his words that rang true to me.

Let me back up a bit and relate how I came to hear and trust this Spirit of Truth.

After my husband's last disclosure I was left reeling.  I couldn't understand how I'd missed all the signs and I had no idea how I could ever trust him again.  During the time period he was acting out we had many conversations about recovery and he put on quite the grand act.  I believed all of it.  So how, after he had confessed, was I suppose to believe anything he ever said when all of it could potentially be a lie?  That territory terrified me.  The one person on earth that I was asked to trust the most all of a sudden was my worst enemy.

I remember one night a few weeks after his disclosure thinking and praying about this dilemma and I decided it didn't matter.  I knew the one thing I had to give through this trying time was my trust.  I didn't necessarily trust my husband but I did trust the Lord.  So I gave it all to Him.  And in return He gave me the ability to trust my husband again.

I remember it like it was yesterday...

It was a late Thursday night and we were sitting on our bed after he had come home from group.  I had decided not to go (I know, bad bad Apple) but the Lord was kind and overlooked that act of rebellion.  It's always been tradition for hubby and I to talk about group when we get home so even though I hadn't gone, we seemed to fall into our usual rhythm and he began to talk about his meeting.  Through tears he expressed his desire to be a better man, a better husband and to be clean again.  Just as the seed of doubt began to grow within my heart I heard a very loud voice that said  "you can trust this" accompanied by an amazing powerful feeling of truth.  I froze, surprised by the loud voice in my head but I welcomed the comforting words and allowed the warmth of the Spirit to settle over me.  In that moment, instead of doubting everything he said, I believed him.  I chose to believe the Spirit who confirmed it was OK to trust him and so I did.

This simple act of surrender on my part allowed me the opportunity to become a nourishing agent to his growth rather than an agent that kills seeds of hope. (Weed-Be-Gone vs Round-Up).

Fast forward to the Book of Mormon in hubbies desk.  I felt the same confirming Spirit as he told about his scripture reading: "He is OK  he is not perfect, but he is doing OK."

And that is all I needed...

Here I Am

Well this is my very first post.  My fingers have hovered over my keyboard for a few minutes now wondering how the heck to start, what to start with, what to say, how to say it etc...  I have been following many recovery blogs lately and I love all of them.  I glean wisdom and strength from them.  I'm grateful for the miracle of modern technology that allows me to access, with a click of a button, good, uplifting, LDS focused, recovery content, 24 hours a day.  Even though I am alone in real life where it comes to my husbands addiction - truly I am not.  I have a whole networked support system that I've tapped in to.

Right now my husband and I are doing alright.  He is over 6 months sober which is good, but his last disclosure was a huge blow for me.  He'd been acting out for 6 months straight without me knowing.  I pride myself on knowing when my husband is struggling because I too am in recovery and I work the program myself.  I spent a lot of time beating myself up for not recognizing the signs, for not being in tune with the Spirit and for being so naive and trusting.  That took quite a bit of time to overcome.  And I have forgiven my husband for all that went on but I'm finding my fears creeping back up again.

Fast forward six months to now.

When he got back on the wagon six months ago he expressed a great desire to start attending the Temple again.  He never goes.  I know this seems like a simple thing but I remember prior to this last slip... that he never went during that period of time either.  It became painfully obvious why once he told me what he'd been doing.  I remember how excited he was to get his Temple recommend back and how committed he was to going back to the Temple.  I think he went once.  Nothing since.

I expressed this concern to him a month or so ago.  I told him it scares me that he isn't attending.  I find myself asking him more and more how his sobriety is and even flat out if he is still sober.  He of course says he is.  I have no choice but to believe him but it's eating at me.

So that's where I am right now.  I don't want to be a codependent hound dog and nitpick him to bits so I decided to create this blog and put my fears, concerns, worries, hopes and miracles here.