I thought it would be therapeutic for me to list them here, sort of like a sacrificial offering. If I list them for everyone to see, I'm bringing them out in the light and exposing them so they can't fester within me anymore.
So here is the list of past and present "If Only's" I've felt about my husband and his addiction, in no particular order:
If only...
- He would be a more patient father
- He would spend more time with me
- He wouldn't spend so much time on the computer
- He would read his scriptures
- He would attend the Temple
- He be able to know what I am thinking
- He were more in tune with my needs/feelings
- He wasn't such an extreme disciplinarian
- He made enough money so I didn't have to work
- He didn't hurt me
- I was enough for him
- I were sexier, thinner, younger
- He didn't treat me like an object
- He wasn't so controlling
- I had red hair
- He loved me more than his addiction
- He would be honest
- He would control his desires
- He wasn't so lazy
- He would fix his problem
...then I would be happy.
Having a good portion of recovery under my belt now I have learned that this is a pattern of destructive thinking. If I truly want to be happy then my list will look more like this:
If only...
- I didn't point fingers at my husband
- I didn't feel like I was better than my husband
- I didn't act self righteous toward my husband
- I focused on my own recovery instead of detailing what my husband is/is not doing
- I trusted my Savior
- I followed the promptings of the Spirit rather than throwing up walls
- I counseled with my Bishop and sponsor rather than all of my friends
- I educated myself about addiction
- I saw him as my Savior sees him
- I didn't fear the truth, but embraced it
- I loved instead of hated
- I expressed instead of bottled
- Didn't sit in my own mud
- Didn't sling my own mud
- I acknowledged his value
- I took the next step
- I didn't jump to conclusions
- I didn't rationalize my justifications
- I saw my husbands struggles as an opportunity for me to practice refining my own virtues
- I faced God and asked Him "What would you have me do?'
- I worked to identify and fix my problems
... then, and only then, will I truly be happy.
I've been thinking a lot about happiness and I keep thinking of the scripture in Mosiah 2:41 that says, "...consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God..." as well as the scripture that says "...wickedness never was happiness." (Alma 41:10).
ReplyDeleteYour lists made me think of that. The first list is, in many ways "wickedness" - maybe not in the way we would think of right off, but it includes judging and pride. On the other hand, the 2nd list is all about righteousness - love, humility, and ultimately trying to be like the Savior.
I see myself on BOTH lists way more than I would like! It's interesting to see it all listed out like that. Thanks for sharing.
I know right? I think I swing back and forth between the two lists depending on circumstances and the state of my humility at the time. I find that I tend to struggle with being on the humble list if it's not convenient for me. GOod thing God is patient:-)
DeleteThanks for this one, I didn't realize until now, how much I do this. You list of If only's is a near perfect photograph of my own. I have so fully believed this for so long. But seeing this, in contrast with your new list, awakens me to the truth. I always wonder at "Men are that they might have joy", and how the Father can have perfect joy when so many of His children are lost. I am beginning to see where happiness comes from, and it is still dependent on another person, just not the person on whom I've been relying on it for. I've been waiting for my husband to change so I can finally be happy. Instead of relying on my Savior. I've got lots of work to do.
ReplyDeleteThank you! And this is GREAT clarification... I think it makes things easier to realize that we ARE still dependent on someone, it's just a different person. This means we aren't required to shut OFF our dependence, but rather, just to shift its focus. Much easier! Great insight! Thanks!
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