Well this is my very first post. My fingers have hovered over my keyboard for a few minutes now wondering how the heck to start, what to start with, what to say, how to say it etc... I have been following many recovery blogs lately and I love all of them. I glean wisdom and strength from them. I'm grateful for the miracle of modern technology that allows me to access, with a click of a button, good, uplifting, LDS focused, recovery content, 24 hours a day. Even though I am alone in real life where it comes to my husbands addiction - truly I am not. I have a whole networked support system that I've tapped in to.
Right now my husband and I are doing alright. He is over 6 months sober which is good, but his last disclosure was a huge blow for me. He'd been acting out for 6 months straight without me knowing. I pride myself on knowing when my husband is struggling because I too am in recovery and I work the program myself. I spent a lot of time beating myself up for not recognizing the signs, for not being in tune with the Spirit and for being so naive and trusting. That took quite a bit of time to overcome. And I have forgiven my husband for all that went on but I'm finding my fears creeping back up again.
Fast forward six months to now.
When he got back on the wagon six months ago he expressed a great desire to start attending the Temple again. He never goes. I know this seems like a simple thing but I remember prior to this last slip... that he never went during that period of time either. It became painfully obvious why once he told me what he'd been doing. I remember how excited he was to get his Temple recommend back and how committed he was to going back to the Temple. I think he went once. Nothing since.
I expressed this concern to him a month or so ago. I told him it scares me that he isn't attending. I find myself asking him more and more how his sobriety is and even flat out if he is still sober. He of course says he is. I have no choice but to believe him but it's eating at me.
So that's where I am right now. I don't want to be a codependent hound dog and nitpick him to bits so I decided to create this blog and put my fears, concerns, worries, hopes and miracles here.
Apple,
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you joined us recovering wives in blog land.
The temple was a big issue for my husband and I we both had not gone in a year. After this last disclosure, we started going regularly each week and have slacked off a bit. I know my husband is doing hood when he initiates the spiritual things, such as couple prayer, scriptures, and temple appointments. A red flag goes up in my mind when he goes a long time without initiating these things.
I just discovered I am co-dependent a few weeks ago, while reading other womens' blog posts and comments about co-dependency. It's my addiction! I am just beginning to recognize when I act on it and trying to think of ways to stop myself.
I try to control everything he does. I think that is why I don't have a life for myself, because I have been to busy controlling his.
I am need to detach and find myself, make a life for me, find friends, hobbies, go to the temple by myself.
In the past I always thought I couldn't go to the temple without him, but now I know I can.
He has to be the one to decide to go all on his own.
It's tough stuff. I am learning in bits and pieces, but it's good for me.
I think those are great goals Sparrow! I think it's important to work on those steps one at a time... My Bishop has given a ward goal for members to attend the Temple twice per month. Once with their spouse and once on their own. I feel it's important to cultivate that security in the Temple on our own. We have have to do it on our own one day. It's important we have that personal relationship and warm feeling in the house of the Lord on our own. :-) I love your statement "learning in bits and pieces"... our puzzle may be one of this gigantic 5000 piece puzzles - which can seem incredibly daunting - but the joy comes when we find gratitude in even one piece.
DeleteWelcome to blogland!
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard. So hard to detach and try to force yourself not to worry about your husband's recovery. My husband went 4+ years of various levels of acting out this last time around (with the last year being the worst) and I, too, beat myself up for not catching the signs. Hindsight is 20/20 though and I have also learned a lot more this time around. I'm trying (and sometimes failing) to move forward myself - ie, even if my husband isn't attending the temple, I can make a goal for MYSELF to attend (like Sparrow says).
And you know, it ISN'T our job to catch the signs. And it IS natural for a wife to want to trust her husband and assume that she can. It isn't our job to trap them in their lies. I think our job is to turn it all over to God and move forward, taking it a day at a time, as best we can. I still (OFTEN) get into crazy, questioning mode, but I know that the truth has a way of coming out, when it is time (and always so far, through God's hand, not my husbands) and when I least expect it. I'm trying to just live MY own life in the meantime. It's hard though. I look forward to following your blog and ummmm...not leaving novels on each comment :)
Haha novels are welcome.:-) Thanks for your comments! And you're right. I need to keep the focus on the Lord and He will guide my path.
DeleteI guess trusting my husband is a virtue and that in no way is a bad thing. It would be the adversary saying it's a bad thing.