Some Thoughts on Boundaries...

A question was recently posed by my uncle-in-law, Scott Hammond, author of a most excellent book called Lessons of the Lost.

How can I find someone who is lost but does not want to be found?

I want to record my thoughts on the matter here, in regards to those of our loved ones lost in addiction, but who do not want to give it up . . .

The tool that I have seen most effective is to set boundaries that disallow us, as loved ones, to enable the addict. Often times, it is our enabling that supports their habit.  A common saying that describes the turning point in an addict's life is when "the pain of the addiction finally comes to outweigh the reward"...

We have to make sure our behavior is not contributing to the addict's reward.

We must work our own recovery program along with those bound in addiction. Everyone has to work to break the chains of the roles they are playing. 

The Drama Triangle identifies a victim, rescuer and persecutor in unhealthy families. 

The key to breaking the cycle is simply to stop playing whatever role we are in. The triangle cannot function without one of its' legs. We must create clear emotional boundaries around us, in order to break the cycle of our own role; which in turn, will disallow others to play their drama triangle roles.  

Each role is a hamster wheel of dysfunction.  We simply need to stop running.

"... If My Wife Denied Me Sex, I'd Probably Divorce Her..."

I feel an immense desire to journal an experience I had with my former doctor.  The experience, at the time, left me feeling as if I were defective and broken.

Early in our marriage my husband and I did not have the best sex life.  In fact, we hardly had one at all.  Even though I don't currently blame myself for our former circumstance, I very much did so at the time.

I struggled with opening myself up and connecting, but mostly, sex physically hurt. I also had (and continue to have) a real strong aversion to pelvic exams.

I thought there was something physically wrong with me; that I was defective in some way.  Seeking help, I made an appointment with my OBGYN to talk things over with him.

I went into the appointment hopeful.  I really liked my doctor.  He had recently delivered my first child and my husband and I both had established quite a bond with him.  He was nice, encouraging and gave freely of his time.  He even took phone calls at home, which is pretty much a dead tradition.

I felt nervous as I sat in his office, but I really wanted to get better.  I was ready to talk about my problem, seek answers and get help.

He finally entered the room and I spent a few minutes describing my symptoms.  He listened carefully and asked me some questions.  He didn't need to physically exam me because he had recently delivered my baby and based on that, determined everything physical was in working order.

Then something completely unexpected happened; as if the energy switched in the room and my once advocate suddenly became my enemy.

He began to tell me that God placed us here on the earth to procreate, and in order to do that we have to have sex.  He told me that by denying my husband sex I was, in essence, disobeying God and sinning.  He told me that the pain was all in my head and that my mental problems were getting in the way of me doing the Lord's will.

And then he capped it off with "... if my wife denied me sex, I would probably divorce her."

I sat there quietly as tears streamed down my face.  I felt horrible.  Wretched.  Broken.  Worthless.

... because I believed him.

All that I had felt about myself, that men just want me for my body, was confirmed in the space of three to five minutes.  And by someone I completely trusted.

I mean, why would he lie?  He's supposed to have my best interest at heart.

I left his office feeling beaten.

I don't remember much about the following months.  I did seek out therapy which was somewhat helpful.  But I still felt a deeply embedded shame; resigned to being broken.

It wasn't until recently that I found out I wasn't crazy.

Even though I no longer struggle with it as I once did, my condition was very real.  It's called vaginismus and it effects about 10% of women nationwide.

Imagine the relief I felt when I realized that not only was I not defective, but I wasn't alone either.  What I struggled with was real and not imagined.

My doctor was wrong.  Literally and ethically. (This is the same doctor that told me I peed my pants when my water broke and just recently finished a stint in Federal prison for smuggling phentermine into the US from Mexico and selling them on the internet).

I have also come to learn that I was not created so that people can touch me, or use me how they want.  I am my own person and I still govern what I do with my body.  I am not obligated nor required to have sex.  Yes, sex is a beautiful gift, but it is very fragile and when any level of darkness comes into play, the beauty of it completely disappears.

I would rather never have sex again than have tainted sex.  How can I lovingly attach to my wonderful husband if I continue to feel used when we come together in unison?  I'm not placing blame.  I am just as accountable for the darkness that sometimes invades as anyone.

I have really noticed a difference in me since I've started recovery.  Boundaries are never easy to set, but I can set them now.  And for the most part I can uphold them.

I'm grateful for this space in which I can place my pain.  It helps me release and let go.

Homage for the Suffering

I love music.

Music has been an absolute essential part of my recovery, on this side of the street and on the other side of the street.

There is an amazing genre of music that I have found to be very healing for my soul...
Music that validates me in the here and in the now.
Music that helps me own and stand true to the pain and suffering that I feel in the very moment I am feeling it.

I want to share one of those such songs with you.

This song is for you - my beautiful sisters who are hurting and lonely and scared right now in this very moment.

I love you.
Keep your chin up.
You can do hard things!

The Codependent Tug

One thing I have always struggled with is control.  Actually, let me rephrase that.  I am a master at control.  It it surrendering control that I struggle with.

A picture came to my mind recently, though, of what control looks like to the person I may be attempting to control.  It fits right along with my haircut post.

I actually experimented the scenario on multiple women this past weekend at The Togetherness Project.

I took the role of the desperate wife that wants her addicted loved one to work recovery while the other woman played the part of the addicted loved one.

I asked each of them to imagine I was trying to get them to physically go to a recovery group meeting.  I then grabbed their sleeve and physically began pulling them toward the place I wanted them to go.

As their brows began to furrow I asked them what had stolen their attention.

Each woman responded the same.

Their attention had been captured by the strong tug on their shirt.  Their focus had been stolen by the pressure and control I was striving to exert over them and by my will trying to control their will.

It didn't matter that what I so desperately wanted them to do or move toward was good and healthy - my grip had completely stolen their attention so that they were no longer able to concentrate on where I was trying to get them to go.

The moral of the story?

If we are trying to control our addicted loved one's behavior, we are robbing them of their agency to choose recovery for themselves.  Their sole goal becomes pleasing us rather than seeking that which will help them heal.  In their minds, their success becomes hinged on contributing to our happiness.

We, in essence, get in the way of their relationship with the Lord.
We get in the way of the necessary bumps and bruises that help strengthen their resolve.
We get in the way of the necessary consequences that enable them to grow.

We must remember that our loved one's are God's children too, and just because we detach does not mean that the Lord will detach.

He won't.  The Lord never detaches.

It is we that detach from Him.  If we are exerting our control over our loved one's it disallows them from reestablishing that personal relationship with the Lord necessary for healing.

On the flip side, if our focus is on our addicted loved ones, it is not on the Lord.

None of us can serve two masters.

Mother Earth

We were recently challenged by Dr. Skinner at Addo Recovery to walk barefoot in the grass.  He said it to be therapeutic and healing.  

I do love walking barefoot in the grass but I find myself lacking the time to do so.  I am surrounded by perpetual homework, dishes, laundry, work, dirty diapers and any other everyday fiasco that happens to manifest itself.

But yesterday was different.  I got home from work and my little 3 year old greeted me outside.  He asked me if he could ride his "big bike" that he recently received for his birthday.  Normally I'd be in a rush.  A rush to get inside and get the house clean or more likely just to sit and veg after a long day.  But instead, I decided that it was a great idea to let him ride his bike.  An even better idea was to relax in my lounge chair, take my shoes off and let my feet rest in the cool grass.

And that I did....

I sat silently with the creak of the pedals in the background while I concentrated on connecting with the earth.  

Mother Earth 

Beautiful mother Earth 

Who has sacrificed herself to horrible torture and destruction

...so that

We can have a firm and solid place to work our way back to Father  

She is living  

She willingly submits because she loves us 

...but more so 

Because she loves Father  

She is perfect in her faith and humility 

....as 

She willingly submits to whatever God asks of her  

She will have her redemption  

She will be cleansed and take her rightful place next to Kolob

...because 

She knows her purpose,

Her worth 

...and 

Her value  

She doesn't resist 

but stands steadfast 

....and 

Still  

I am full of gratitude for her, and feel privileged to be gravitated to her, to touch her, walk on her and partake of her beauty.  

I am committed to walk barefoot more often, to be closer to her, for in doing so, I am closer to God.

Surviving to Die

I've been working the Addo program.  I've been learning, or tapping in to, new knowledge, new emotions and new realizations.

We recently discussed safety, or rather, feeling safe.  Namely, setting boundaries in order to feel safe, sustain our safety and preserve our safety.

I found that as I studied the information presented that I was left feeling disconnected from what was being taught.  I couldn't grasp the idea of feeling safe.

What does that look like?
This illusive safety
What does it feel like?
This unreachable sanctuary

And then something hit me...

I have no memory of ever feeling safe.

Ever.

I'm not talking physically safe.  I feel physically safe 99% of the time.
...and
I'm not talking sexually safe.  I feel sexually safe the majority of the time, I think.
...no
I'm talking emotionally safe.

I have touched emotional safety, with certain people, but it's been fleeting glimpses of something that always leaves; because they always leave.

All this has brought me to realize that I don't trust or feel safe with my husband.  At all.  I can't even muster the desire or willingness to talk to him about these very feelings I am expressing here.

I have had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach for a while.  A consistent sick feeling.  I have no idea why.  I have no evidence of anything.  He tells me all is well, but yet, I still feel ill... as if something is just off.

But what is worse, is I have come to realize that I don't trust myself.  My gut intuition and red flag bells are going off like crazy but I can't manage to bring myself to trust them.

I tell myself:
It's false
It's not real
There is no monster in the darkness
The snapping twigs you hear are just small harmless animals
The howling is just the wind
You are overreacting
There is nothing there
Nothing...

Even though every hair on the back of my neck is standing on end, my vision is clear and my hearing acute... I am hyper-focused on all of my surroundings and I feel something is wrong.

I cannot believe it.

Why?

I HATE THIS.

I met with my counselor yesterday and we spoke of safety... or, the illusive safety.  And a thought came to mind.

I am so unhappy right now that I am simply surviving to die.  I cannot wait to die.  I want to go home.  I do not want to be here anymore.  I see no light at the end of this tunnel of life and I just want to be home with Father, home with those that will not hurt me, those that I can trust and those that I feel safe with.

The Codependent Prayer Challenge

Introducing....

The 'Codependent Prayer' Challenge!
(If you choose to accept it)

We all have one right?  That prayer of all prayers where we express our deep seeded desire for God to fix our husbands so we can be happy.  That prayer that begs God to put up roadblocks, blur temptations, erase thoughts and pretty much play master puppeteer for our husband's life.

That prayer that begs God to remove his agency...
...so we can have some sense of control.

Here's mine:

(What's yours? Blog it!)

Dear Heavenly Father,

I need you to help my husband
He spends soooo much time on the computer
It really bothers me
Can you instill in him the desire to spend more time with his family?
I'm afraid that he's going to be tempted by something when he's on there
Can you please make him not be tempted?
Or
If he is
Can you please somehow make the computer not work?
Like, nothing big, but, just like make the power cord pop out right when he gets tempted
Because
He could take that as a sign
Maybe you could even impress strongly on his mind the words

"THIS.IS.A.SIGN"

Right when the power cord pops out
I really wish he would focus more on recovery
I need him to work recovery so that I won't have to continually check his history
If he wasn't tempted I wouldn't have to check it
It drives me crazy that I have to do that
I wish he'd see the Bishop more too
Can you please whisper to the Bishop to call him in?
I know the Bishop listens to you
I really think that if he sees the Bishop regularly that he'll be better
... that he won't act out anymore or mess up anymore
Oh and while your at it...
... can you tell me what else I need to do to fix him?
I already...
...monitor all his accounts
...check his pockets when I do laundry
...GPS track him on the "Find Friends" app to see where he is
but not that often
...maybe only like 10 times a day.
...I secretly log into his email account and check his received, sent, spam, deleted and pretty  much every box on there
....actually, I have his email address as an account on my phone.
He doesn't know though so it's OK.
I mean...
...it only matters that he keeps secrets from me, not that I keep secrets from him.
Oh, and I also secretly check his phone when he's sleeping.
But that's just to make sure he hasn't accessed any bad sites or text another woman.
... so far I haven't found anything
But I just know I will so I keep doing it
... it's for his own good.
Please Heavenly Father..
Make him be good. I can only be happy if he's good.
And
I know you want me to be happy.
So you'll do this for me ...
Right?

I love you,

Amen.

Birds, Lies and Triggers

Yesterday we went out as a family and bought two cute parakeets.  We live in a rented townhouse and aren't able to own a dog or cat and a friend offered to give us a bird cage so we went with the birds.  We named the blue/green/yellow one Kevin, after the bird in the movie Up, and we named the solid blue one Dori, after the blue fish in Finding Nemo.

We are happy to have them in our family but at the same time we are a bit nervous.  Tim and I have both grown up with animals but unfortunately our own children haven't.  We were a bit concerned that they wouldn't respect the birds but decided we needed to start somewhere and give them the opportunity to learn about respecting animals.

Sure enough though, a spat erupted this morning where my 13 year old accused  my 9 year old of throwing bird seed at the birds.  My 9 year old responded that yes, he had, but my 13 year old was also doing it.  My 13 year old adamantly denied it.

I didn't know who to believe.  I sent them both to their room and told them to figure it out.  Still neither came clean.  My 13 year old seemed more believable... "I love the birds, I would never hurt them"... whereas my 9 year old seemed smug "dude, just admit it" with a big grin on his face.

Admittedly, I took a side.  I believed my 13 year old and punished my 9 year old.  I even let my 13 year old go on an outing for 5 hours with some friends while my 9 year old got sequestered to his room and ended up crying himself to sleep.

Later that day, the issue again arose and still, neither would fess up.  My husband seemed to smell the lie though and eventually it came out that my 13 year old had been lying the entire time.  Immediately I was hit with the most intense sickening feeling..

The people in my world that I love the most are the people in my world that I trust the least.  

I can't stand it.  I hate it.  And I don't know how to fix it. 

The Bravest Man I Know

My husband recently started his own blog and today he trusted, stretched and relied on more faith than he ever has in his life.  I am truly blessed to not only know such a valiant Spirit but extremely lucky to be married to him.

Please take a moment to read his post...  we are in this together and I am so happy to now have him at my side, fighting together, working together, loving the Savior together and spreading hope together.

I am truly blessed...

Much Love,

Sidreis

(click the link below)

"For There Is Nothing Hid Which Shall Not Be Manifested"

Just Give Me a Reason

I dedicated this to my husband today.  We are not broken, neither of us are - we are just bent.

Haircut Wisdom

I was cutting my sons hair earlier.  Well, I was buzzing his hair. At one point I needed him to put his head all the way down so I could shave his neck.  He was struggling to drop his head all the way down though.  I had been holding his head with my hand to direct where I needed it to be and was gently pushing his chin toward his chest as I asked him again, more sternly, to please put his head down.  But I was still met with resistance.  I was confused.  

Then something odd happened...

I let go.

I let go and his chin dropped to his chest. 

Immediately a wave of recognition washed over me.  I realized that my hand on his head, my controlling grasp on him was drawing so much of his attention that he wasn't able to focus on the task at hand.  It wasn't until I removed the pressure that he was able to drop his head.  Even though I was pushing his head toward his chest his natural instinct was to resist that which was attempting to force his will.

Such is with my husband.  For him to truly see the Lord, feel the Lord, rely on the Lord, trust the Lord and make the Lord number 1, I have to let go.  I have to step out of the way and provide him space to discover and nurture that relationship.

It's becoming clearer.

I'm Blank

I'm struggling.

I found out this morning that my husband has pretty much been acting out for the past six months.

I AM BLIND!

I hear the term 'rescuing' tossed around a lot.  I understand the concept - I think.  I have no plans to rescue him.  I can't.  How can I?

So I plan on being hands off.  But I'm scared.  Is not rescuing and being hands off going to give him permission to keep acting out?  How do I create boundaries for that without being bossy and fixy?

I don't know what to do.

He is active in the program.  He goes to group every week.  We talk about what we learn at group.

I have asked him probably 4 times point blank over the last six months how sober he is and each time he whips out a number that is consistent with the last time he got caught.

I don't know how to process that.

I'm so numb right now I can't even muster tears, anger, frustration... nothing.

I'm blank.

Improvements

So I'm happy to report that hubby and I had a bit of a break through yesterday.

I was in such a state of turmoil that I didn't even want to talk to him.  I was really defensive and closed off.  But I remembered how well we'd been doing the week before and as impossible as it seemed to get there I longed for that closeness again.

We were sitting on the bed and I blurted out:

We are really struggling right now.

Hubby:

What do you mean?

Me:

We are bickering all the time and distant.  

Hubby paused

Me:

I'm not looking for this to be fixed right now, I just wanted to acknowledge it by stating it.

Hubby:

Well you tend to pull away when you are struggling.  I do understand that but it's still you pulling away so it's hard to deal with sometimes. 

I remained silent while sitting there absorbing the "it's all your fault" comment...

Hubby:

Do you have any thoughts?

Me (calmly and slowly):

I think it would benefit if you tried to find some accountability somewhere in this.

Hubby, paused, then said:

OK, well what do you think?  How am I accountable?

Me (striving to not blame):

I don't know.  I'm striving to work on my own accountability.  I'm not focused on yours.

And that was it!  He went on to touch on some things he could improve on which was nice, but really, it's not what I was looking for.  I was simply looking to acknowledge the door out of that dark place.  And I feel like we both opened it.  No judgement.  No blame.  Just acknowledging that we weren't OK.

And that made things that much more OK...